The Elder Scrolls: Zootopia
by Fox in the hen house
Summary: Dragons? Oblivion Gates? Sweetrolls and arrows to the knee? Nick and Judy will experience it all. Deadpool 4th wall style! If you are looking for plot and seriousness and something real? Wrong story. Want crazy fun that only the mind of Fox in the hen house can deliver? Then this is for you. Expect everyone and everywhere to show up. But no hanky panky! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Welcome to video game and fanfiction fans alike! Now, normally my stories are plot driven, romance based, and engaging. This time will be something a little different. Actually it will be _ridiculously_ different. This is a stress relief story. An outlet for when I'm having writers block on my other stories. Fun, crazy, no rules, hello to the fourth wall type of deal. This will be insanity incarnate with no respect for the rules of literature or for readers and their souls. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: So I don't own any part of the Elder Scrolls series or Zootopia, although I do have a Oblivion black furred Khajit named Mr. Manchas and a Skyrim cheetah colored Khajit named Clawhauser. So suck it, Bethesda! Disney? We still tight.**

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A familiar and haunting tune drifted in through the hole in the stone wall more than ten feet off the floor. Were it not for the bars crossing over it, the opening could almost be considered a window. But considering the bars _were_ there, it was simply a reminder that the only other opening in the room was also covered in bars. And the only occupant of that room stood rigid as if in a game that had been paused. Wait…

A sudden jerking motion went through the fox and if he had been asleep it would have seemed like a simple wake-up call. Instead he had been put into some sort of trance or suspended animation, something that didn't exist in his world so that probably wasn't it. What ever it was it did not go over well with the tod.

"What the hell…Where-…where am I?" Spinning around, Nick took in his surroundings. The iron cuffs on his wrists and the locked cell door had him mystifi- "Why am I in jail?!" Or not so mystified as it turned out. "Oh someone is in for a sternly worded scroll over this."

Before he could explore his circumstances further, a large sign materialized in front of him, to the left and roughly beside his head. "Oh great. What is this thing? Some sort of magic block of wood?" Running his paws under and over the board, he was unable to find any wiring holding it up. "Huh. Neat." Curiosity soon got the better of him. "I wonder what the front says."

As if compelled to move, Nick stepped around to view the board. "Whoa, what is happening with my feet? Oh look, the front of the board." On the front of the board was several words, a list of different attributes a mammal might have. "'Choose your gender.' Huh. Wonder why that's there." Reaching up, he went to touch another panel but his paw accidentally hit the strange arrow painted on the wood. A strange sensation flowed over the Tod, causing him to shiver.

"Well that was-." Nick stopped talking as his own voice reached his ears. It was far too high pitched and rather sensual, not at all like his cocky and smug tone. "Gah!" he screamed out as he looked down. "I'm a Nicole!" Indeed his body had changed to that of a vixen. He couldn't help but admire his new body. "Damn. I look good." Looking over his shoulder at his tail, he whistled appreciatively. "I look like someone I would totally hit on." Reaching up again he slapped the arrow, feeling his body change back. "Ah, that's better." He shifted his pants a little just to confirm _all_ of him was back.

"Alright, so no more touching that button. Wonder what the rest do." Gazing upward, he had to step back a few paces in order to read the words better because the higher you tip your head the harder it is to view things at an angle, especially words. It's just science. "Species? I'm already a fox so that's not helpful." Tapping the icon, he suddenly found himself nearly three times higher off the ground than he was before. A striped tail twitched behind him and his normal yip of distress was instead a high-pitched yowl.

"Okay, this is interesting, but I miss my fluffy tail. Where's that button…" Another tap found him shrinking a bit but his muzzle and fluffy tail was back. Although not in the right size. "Where's the f-Oh wow. These teeth are _huge_! How do wolves talk with these things?" Reaching back up he keyed it again. This time he grew to gargantuan proportions. "An elephant? Are you kidding me? This cell isn't even big enough for an elephant!" Again and again he tapped the board trying to get back to his original body. "Hippo. Nope. Polar bear. Nope. Buffalo butt. Definitely nope." Reaching the end of the list, Nick paused. "Wait. They don't even _have_ a fox selection?! Those species bastards! Oh wait, there's a 'Reset All' button." Soon he was back in his own body.

"Oooh. A fur changer?!" For several hours Nick went back and forth trying to decide the perfect color of dye for his fluffy coat. It was a toss up between the hot pink and the dark blue. "Decisions, decisions."

"Well hurry up and make one! I'm tired of hearing that stupid blip noise that's been happening over there." Nick turned his head towards the disembodied voice before seeing it wasn't disembodied. In fact it was quite bodied.

"Who the heck are you?" he inquired to the hyena who was locked in a cell much like his, but without a window. "He doesn't have a window? Oh that's just cruel."

The hyena titled his head, confused by the randomness of the fox. To the outside world Nick would appear quite mad, and perhaps he was. Or perhaps he was the only sane mammal there. "I'm uh… Fanglen Dreth?" It came out more of a question than an answer.

"You don't know who you are? Jeez how long have you been down here without a window?"

"How should I know?" the predator snapped back. "I don't have a window! But I do know this. You are never getting out. Listen, the guards are coming. For you," he cackled with glee. There was a pause while both mammals listened but no sound reached them. "Ahem, I said the guards are coming! For you!" Still there was no sound. "Oh bugger it all th-" suddenly there was a sound. "Oh gods dammit. Timing is shit without a window."

The scrape of iron on stone told Nick the prison door had opened and footsteps traveling down the stairs meant company was coming. Quiet coming judging by their light steps, but loud in their voices which seemed a bit of a contradiction to the fox.

"-right now my job is to get you to safety." The face of a large tigress appeared in the gaps between the bars. "Wait. What is this prisoner doing here?"

"Thank you! That's what I've been asking the whole time!" Nick shouted.

"Ugh. Things never go according to plan. Why did I even take this job? Alright, step back prisoner. Over by the window. We won't hesitate to kill you where you stand," the tigress growled.

"It always comes back to the window," Nick muttered. Stepping back to let the trio of guards and one very fat cheetah in rich robes in, he found himself frozen in place. "Gah! I can't move! What the hell is going on this time?!"

The feline and the two wolves accompanying her moved towards the wall across from where Nick stood. Waving her paw over the stone face, the wall suddenly parted revealing a secret entrance. "What a minute. She didn't even touch a button or lever or anything. What is this, touch rocks? I thought Apple wasn't releasing those until next year!"

The wolves looked at each other in confusion along with a mix of concern. The prisoner seemed quite addled, not to mention he was a fox and foxes were never to be trusted, or so they were told when they signed up for guard school.

"O. M. Goodness. You." A rather cheerful voice had Nick breaking his concentration of examining the wall, still trying to find the magic button. "I've seen you."

"Well yeah, Spots. I used to work the pastry stand outside the palace, remember?" Nick could never forget what was easily his favorite customer, mainly because of the rich robes and deep pockets since he came to visit the stand three times a day minimum.

"Oh yes! You're Nick! I totally remember you now. You made those killer cinnamon buns in the shape of paws." Emperor Clawhauser licked his lips at the mere mention of the delectable treats. "What happened though? Why are you in jail?"

"Honestly big fella? I have zero idea. I just sorta…woke up? And I was over there wearing these raggedy clothes. Where the heck did you guys put my flowery green tunic? That was made from pure silk squeezed from fresh worms and spiders." Nick sighed, relinquishing the hope of ever seeing his beloved shirt again. "Benji, help a fox out and get me the heck outta this place?"

"Ooh, no can do, Nick. See, there's these guys trying to as-assass-assab-…well they're trying to kill me and we gotta go deep underground to get outta here. Sorry." And he certainly seemed so. Nick couldn't hold it against the big cat. "But you can come with us if you want."

With that the Emperor and his three guards headed into the open catacombs entrance. For a moment Nick considered going with them, but then the idea of rats and mice and other rodents having set up their colonies in the abandoned parts of the city did not make the idea that appealing. They would most likely try to make him buy something.

Turning to where they had entered the prison however, he saw the cell door still wide open. "You know, this is probably easier to just go out this way." After spending about a tenth of a second thinking about it, Nick left the cell and looked at the steps. "Door's probably locked." Looking to the left instead, he noticed a small table with two keys on it. "That is extremely convenient. And look, they're labeled! 'Prison key' and 'Dreth cell key'. Seems easy enough."

Passing by the closed cell of the hyena, Nick was stopped by the prisoner. "Hey, help a guy out? If you unlock the door I'll show you my secret cache of gold."

"Sorry bud, but I have a feeling you're supposed to be killed in a quest at some point." Whistling his way up the stairs, Nick put the key into the lock and opened the door wide. "Just gotta sneak ou- why is there a giant eye in front of my face? Is this cause I crouched down?"


	2. I ain't need no titles!

**A/N: So this has been a crazy experiment gone horribly right. My random ramblings turned into chapters. Much awesome, so power.**

 **Disclaimer: This is my craziness inside my own head so I ain't gotta disclaim anything! Well, except everything. Amd therein lies my crazy.**

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We continue our story in no particular order as there is no linear plot. Currently our favorite fox finds himself in battle against a truly formidable foe. One that strikes fear into the hearts of tigers and rodents alike. The dreaded 'un-evolved horse (because let's face it the player needs something to ride to get places and a horse is fast so they didn't evolve since it's convenient) that gets accidentally hit and turned enemy.'

Nick dodged a particularly powerful stomp by the horse's large hoof. To someone bigger, like a cape buffalo, "Buffalo butt," Nick snickered, it would be a minor injury. Nick would surely be killed by the crushing blow.

Thankfully the vulpine warrior was armed and dangerous. Quickly pulling out his mighty bow h- "Uh, hold on. Where is this 'bow' supposed to be?" The world around him paused for the moment while a large glowing sign popped up, the 'inventory' tab highlighted. Cocking his head to the side, Nick raised his iron gloved paw because he was too lazy to take off and replace his armor and tapped the tab.

Halfway down the list was a rusty bow. Raising a brow, Nick tapped it. His sword disappeared from his paw and the bow took it's place. "This is some crazy bullshit magic type thing here." Closing out the window, Nick went to pull the string while grabbing an arrow from his quiver only to find no quiver and no arrows. "Aw crap." Quickly bringing the menu back up he selected the stack of iron arrows he had obtained and slung them on his back.

This time when he reached back, he found several hundred arrows jammed into his quiver. It was almost too difficult to pull a single arrow without others surging out as well. Having never used a bow before in his life, something he really should have gone through the tunnel for since it gives you a chance to practice, "Hey!" Nick was finding the process rather difficult. He had failed to get his first shot on target and had needed to roll in order to avoid the powerful kick from the horse.

"Now you're gonna get it," the fox cried out. Reaching over his back he fumbled for an arrow only to not find any. "What the-." Glancing around, he saw a very large pile of them a few feet away. They had all fallen out during his rol- "Yeah I got it. Thanks," he said in an _unnecessary_ hostile tone.

Diving for the collection of arrows, Nick grabbed several pawfuls and threw them at the horse. Out of the forty seven sharp sticks to hit the horse, forty six caused tiny scratches that did nothing more that irritate the mammal. The last one became stuck in midair, hanging as if it had hit an invisible target. Nick scratched his head, unsure of what had just happened.

Out of options with his ammo scattered around on the ground and his sword back in his inventory, he did the only thing he could think of and collapsed to the ground, rolling up into a ball to protect himself. It would normally be suicide with the horse being so much larger and heavier than the fox, but the second he had dropped all his weapons and curled up, the horse suddenly became passive and began walking away.

Nick was confused. "I am confused," he said. "Why did it stop?" He was only now beginning to understand that surrender worked not just with the guards but also other animals, as long as those animals were horses. Considering he had lived all his life in Tamil, the fact that he did not know these things was strange but then again that was Nick.

Picking up his weapons, the tod put his arrows back in the quiver. At first it was several at a time but eventually, like putting pencils in a cup, each one had to be jammed into place. There was still a few left over so he stuck them in his back pocket for safe keeping. "That will keep em sa- hey wait a minute! I would never stick sharp arrowheads into my pocket!" Nick started to take them out when he changed his mind and put them back in with a happy smile. He did not know that a scene further ahead would require the arrows to be in his back pocket.

Dusting off his pants, Nick resumed his trek up the winding dirt road headed for places unknown. "Unknown? I'm not going to somewhere unknown. I'm going to Chorrol." He had planned to go straight to the big city but an undeniable urge had him leaving the path and straying into the woods.

Pushing through the tree limbs blocking his sight, Nick's eyes landed upon a small cave set in-between two large boulders. He knew it was a cave because there was a wooden door set over the entrance and since something usually is behind a door it must be a cave. The thrill of adventure flowed int- "Uhh, I really don't want to go in there." The lure of the unknown pulled at the t- "No, I really, _really_ don't want to go in there. I have no idea what's in there. I'm just gonna name it 'Nonwyll Cavern and get the heck outta here." As the name became clear on the map, Nick suddenly felt an urge to approach th- "Alright stop it! I'm not going in. That's final."

So Nick went traipsing along like a boring old fo- "Don't say it. I will crawl out of that save menu so fast you won't even know." Bo- "I mean it!"

…All of a sudden, two wolves appeared from the brush. "Oh screw you."

Clad in armor and carrying large swords nearly the entire length of Nick's body, they came to a stop in front of the vulpine and stared down at him. "Hi. I'm Gary. And this is Larry." Larry raised a paw and waved in greeting. "We're here to rob you now. Do you have a hundred gold you can give us?"

"A hundred gold? That's highway robbery!" The two wolves scratched their heads because that's exactly what it was. A highway robbery.

However, before the two bandits could dispatch what they figured must be a slow and annoying fox and loot his corpse, a group of goblins, attracted by the sound of the fight with the horse, charged into the fray.

"Larry! Form up! We'll need to fight our way out of this. Fox, join us in battle and split the spoils with us. Shed the blood of these mon-…" Gary's voice trailed off as he turned towards the tod only to find a cloud of dust in place of where he had just stood. "-sters…fox?"

Nick was halfway up the hill when he heard a scream. He chanced a look back in time to see the two wolves become buried by a large group of hideous and distorted goblins. "Well, sucks to be them I guess." Pulling out his map, Nick made an 'X' mark and wrote 'goblins here. Two dead guys too. Loot and run.'

Continuing on, he found himself feeling horribly guilty for having left th- "Uh, no? Those guys wanted to kill me." Feeling slightly- "Yeah, still no."

A sudden shaking of the ground beneath him- "Are you serious? So every time I don't agree with you you're gonna sic bandits and monsters on me? This isn't going to turn into a healthy relationship."

After some consideration the ground stopped shaking as the unseen danger vanished. "That's more like it." Instead, the rattle of a thousand skeletons with bows and swords could be heard coming up the road, headed straight for the fox. "WHAT?!" Nick cried out. His smug arrogant smirk disappeared as he blanched. "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Do you want me to feel bad for the wolves? I can do that! Caves? The more the merrier!" His pleading led to nothing as the army of the dead grew closer.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap!" Nick began running as fast as he could. He considered pulling out the bow again but as bad as he was at it it would probably just get him killed quicker. Pausing the world and bringing up his inventory menu, Nick scrolled down until he found the burning silver sword of burning. It was just what he ne- "OW! Dammit it burnt me!" Uhhh okay, so Nick pulled out the dagger of cold and put it on the burn which made him sigh in relief. "Ahhh," he sighed in relief.

"I think I'll just stick with plain old steel, thank you." Drawing his steel short sword, one without any special effects, Nick started running again. The sounds of the army soon faded into the background since skeletons are slower than a fox who is scared out of his mind. "You got that right, strange script writing asshole."

Looking behind him, he wasn't watching where he was going until it was too late. "Oomph!" Falling back on his butt, his tail almost getting caught under himself, Nick looked upwards to see a familiar and unwelcome sight. The tip of his sword was lodged into the flank of a brown horse, one that still registered as an enemy on his strange floating heads up display. With a snort, the large mammal turned to face the sprawling fox. "Oh c'mon. Is it cause of the asshole comment?"

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 **Post A/N: For anyone following my other stories, don't worry. They will be updated as soon as I can. With school, work, kid stuff, and this crappy ass seasonal sadness, finding motivation sucks. That and my writing quality hasn't been on par and I refuse to post bad writing.**


	3. Chapter pie or so

**A/N: So something that I always thought of but never really brought up, if anyone has ever played Skyrim, is what exactly makes a _Dragonborn_?**

 **Disclaimer: Do I still want the rights to Zootopia? Fus ro _duh._**

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Judy looked at her iron helmet in distaste. It was bad enough the thing was uncomfortable, but the way it rocked back and forth on her head annoyed her greatly. There were no bunny sizes when it came to helmets unfortunately. Even other bunny blacksmiths had been unable to make a decent helmet. The ear holes never lined up, even with the best of craftsman, so they all basically gave up.

Another thing was the horns on the side of the helmet. She wished they were fake, but no. They were actual horns ripped from (mostly) the dead and slapped into the iron molds. It pained her to be wearing something that came from a dead (she hoped) mammal. However until she could find enough magical items to make a tidy profit or scavenge the armor off of dead enemies she was stuck in mediocre gear.

Making her way through the freezing mountain pass, the cold biting at her ears and causing her to shiver, thoughts of hypoth- "Okay, we get it. It's cold and you want it to be dramatic. There's a farm right there and it's warmer so lighten up, alright?"

The bunny was lucky she was so cute or there might be conseq- "Hey! Don't call me cute!" …The adorable- "That's still pushing it." …* _grumble grumble_ * The lovely young bunny? "If you must." Okay then, the lovely young bunny made it through the cold unharmed and stood on the edge of Whiterun. "Finally."

She gazed in wonder at the magnificence- "I wouldn't go that far. I mean it's nice, but I'd hardly go with 'magnificent.'" The niceness? "Umm…sure I guess. I don't really think that should be a real word but spellcheck says it's fine."

So the brave and lovely doe made her way towards the city of Whiterun to deliver some very important news. "News? What news?" Uhh, the one about the dragon? That attacked you? "I was attacked by a dragon?! Did we skip some parts of the story?" * _flips through script.*_ Umm, oh yep. We skipped that part cause it was too violent for a T rating. So there was a dragon and it attacked and burned a town down. And now you have to deliver the news.

"Ooookay…"

So the brave and lovely doe, now understanding her quest after going to the main menu and selecting it from the list, made her way into the city proper after dealing with a rude guard trying to extort money from her. Money that she needed to replace her rusty iron sword that would be hard pressed to kill a butterfly to harvest it's wings for potions than something actually dangerous.

"I'll have you know that I can kill things. Look there's blood on my sw- ewww! There's blood on my sword!" Judy apparently forgot she killed a chicken in Riverwood and was chased out of town by angry townsfolk. "I killed a chicken?!" Uh-oh. Judy started to cry but suddenly forgot she had done anything! Phew.

Okay so back to the story. You know what, let's just fast forward.

So after delivering the news to the Jarl (pronounced 'yarl'), Judy followed the group of soldiers out to the fields.

"You know, these frequent gaps in my memory can't be good. Do you think they have a neurologist or an MRI machine? I'm worried I may have a concussion or something."

 _*writer sits back and facepalms*_

No. It's an ancient civilization that hasn't even discovered gunpowder, so electricity does't exist let alone circuit boards. Heck, their idea of 'modern medicine' is to eat a fish with a mushroom and root stacked on top of each other and praying it cures poison or whatever.

"Okay okay! I get it, just live with the memory problems. Jeez, uptight much?"

Sorry, there's just this fox that's been a right pain in the…you know what, not important. I gotta deal with him next chapter so we'll just leave it at that. Anyway, our bunny adventurer finally reached the checkpoint area only to hear a savage roar from above.

"Savage? Is Nighthowler involved?" What? No! It's a dragon! Just… watch out for the fire. "Fire?" A gout of flame hit a few feet from her, the heat billowing out and making her wince. "Fire Got it." The bunny pulled out her small and…most likely useless bow against such a large and scaly beast. But the odds never stopped her before, that sentence added after a very frightening glare from the small mammal.

"Just shut up and watch this." Nocking an arrow, she waited until the dragon was hovering in front of her. With a gleeful grin she let the arrow fly, the projectile heading straight for the dragon's chest and heart…only to clang against the strong scales. "What?!" She leaped nimbly behind a stone barrier to avoid the flames. "You know you can change this before I die! You won't have a main character to write about if I'm gone."

 _Ugh_ , said the narrator. Fine. The scene rewound itself to where the arrow boun- _penetrated_ deep, sneaking in between the scales to stab into the dragon's heart causing it to die and crash to the ground in front of the bunny. Happy?

"Woohoo! I killed a dragon!" Judy hopped and down wildly, her oversized helmet slipping to the side and obscuring her vision. Letting loose a frustrated growl she ripped the infernal thing from her head and tossed it away. "I have _got_ to find something new," she swore to herself.

Suddenly a swirling mass of light and air encompassed the dragon at the same time that it rose around her as well. "Oh my gosh. Wha-what the heck is happening to me?!" Several of the guards that remained turned and ran, a couple others stayed to watch the light infuse itself into her body.

Words appeared in front of her eyes. "' _Dragon soul absorbed.'_ Huh? What? A soul?! I have the soul of a dragon now?" Her confusion and astonishment quickly turned to elation. "Holy cow! Can I- can I like breathe fire? Or is it ice? Will I sprout wings? I hope not, that's an expensive alteration to my armor."

"By the gods. You are Dragonborn." The voice coming from behind her, Judy whipped around to face the guard nearest her.

"No, I don't think so. Rabbit through and through. No dragon in my family tree." Though Judy would learn that she was indeed Dragonborn, and that down the lines in her great-great ancestors there was the blood of dragons that flowed through her veins.

"Wait." Judy's face was scrunched up in a mix of thoughtfulness and severe distaste. "That means…at some point someone in my family…fucked a dragon?"

Uhh… You know that's a very good question. Don't believe the script ever really answered that one. Suffice it to say that really the only way to save dragon blood would either it be passed down through a mixed offspring child or a transfusion and since- "What's a transfusion?" -exactly. So yeah, one of your ancestors fucked a dragon.

"...huh."

Yep.

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 **Post A/N: I swear, I'm not doing these over my other stories, it's just insanely hard to get a clear head these days. But school just ended so I should be able to devote some better time and creativity to it. First up will be 'Ghostly Love.'**


	4. Ice cream Cause purple and bowling pins

**A/N: So still struggling with finding time and inspiration to work on my regular stories but we're getting there. For now, here's something that you'll really like! Probably. _Psst. There's a dirty joke in there._**

 **Disclaimer: So I just read a memo that Disney moved the rights to Zootopia to another vault. That would have been nice to know before I got LOCKED IN THIS ONE OVER THE WEEKEND!**

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 _Article 4: Ice cream, cause purple and bowling pins._

Meanwhile in Cyrodiil, we tune back into our rapidly growing favorite fox, now only four behind from the top slot. When last we left Nick Wilde, he was being beaten to death by a horse he had accidentally assaulted and turned into an enemy. During the swap over to Skyrim and the Dovabun, it appears the crafty mammal popped a few health potions and made a run for his life. Since the world has not reset, he obviously made it. His journey to Chorrol city was a short one after his little sidetrack and already he would be making his way towards Kvatch after meeting with-...wait...where did he go?

After a short search, his 'You are here' arrow was found leading into an Ayleid ruin. The fox was taking a risk by going into the ancient halls of the elves. While the riches and rewards waiting within were vast and highly sought after, the dangers were just as many. In the end, you would either be rich and most likely bleeding or dead.

Fast traveling to the ruins Nick had unlocked on his map, a power granted to narrators, we arrive to see a couple of dead conjuring wizards, a jackrabbit and a skunk, near the front door. Obviously our hero had little trouble getting inside but the real danger still lurked within. Floating through the stone door, no loading screens as is another power of all narrators, a glowing white arrow appeared, marking Nick's location through several of the walls.

Unfortunately, due to legal terms and conditions, modifications to an existing map structure was not allowed so passing through the walls was not an option. Instead the camera zoomed along down the corridors littered with fresh, and sometimes not so fresh, corpses, hoping to catch up to the fox before he disappeared down into a side room. Sounds of battle echoed along the halls indicating the conflict was close.

The darkness lifted to reveal a fox, now dressed in an outfit of light leather armor for maximum mobility, currently struggling against a massive rhino skeleton. While foxes were the largest predator in the small mammal category, a rhino stood over twice his height. It's bones were thick and sturdy and not likely to easily break. The steel shortsword in Nick's paw was closer to a longsword to him, but would be considered a toothpick by the large mammal. With each swing of his sword the fox had to nimbly dodge the warhammer nearly the size of himself. Slight nicks were appearing in the tough shinbones, each one causing minor damage. It would not be en-

"Oh jeez. _You're_ back again?" His voice was rather annoyed as he ducked a vicious slam from the rh- "Of course I'm annoyed! I'm fighting a giant pile of magically animated BONES! I have _zero_ idea on how to beat this thing!"

What he didn't know was that a simple dispel spell could disrupt the magic holdi-

"I don't know any magic!" Nick roared in frustration, throwing himself to the ground to avoid having his head taken off. It didn't truly matter if the vulpine didn't know any magic since that wasn't how skeletons were held together anyways. "WHAT?!"

With his mood steadily declining and his reflexes slowing from all the exertion, the tod barely rolled out of the way of another devastating swing. Slinking back around the corner, a floating menu popped up out of sight of the fox. Seeing how close he was to death, the decision was made for the good of the readers. Scrolling over to the settings menu, the difficulty rating was dropped down to novice. This would prevent him from dying and ending the tale.

The echo of rattling bones came around the corner, prompting the narrator to come back around the corner to see a horned skull resting on top of a pile of once was a reanimated skeleton. A dumbfounded tod stood there just staring at his sword wondering what just happened, for the creature's health had plummeted in one sword strike even though the last twenty had seemingly done nothing. "I should probably question this," he muttered suspiciously, "but I'm probably not gonna like it and I'm still alive so...yeahhh..."

Emboldened by his success, Nick headed deeper into the ruins. The place was spooky. Like really spooky. Like one foot per minute sneaking speed with a bow and life detection spooky. Like desperately wishing it was Skyrim so you could abuse the fortify restoration glitch and become a god spooky. But Nick pushed through anyway. He was on a mission that was of vital importance to the Empire. "Now where is that sword that really old lion wanted for his collection?"

Huh?

So wait. Given a quest by the Emperor on his deathbe-...oh that's right, he never did that part of the quest. Okay so suddenly feeling his pocket weighed down by a bloodstained and sugar glazed amulet, Nick stopped and pulled it out to take in it's significance.

"Wow. This is very significant. This is Emperor Clawhauser's amul-wait is that blood?!" Nick looked up at the ceiling. "You made Spots die?! What the hell! Bring him back!"

But it's part of the scrip-

"Don't care. Make him alive again."

Oh very well. Suddenly the amulet is free of blood but still sugar glazed. The Emperor had to go into hiding so they took him to an undisclosed location for the remainder of this story. Happy? Now will you please go to Kvatch so we can get the script back on track?

"Could I do that? Yes, yes I could. But I'm not going to. This sword is worth nearly two thousand gold coins to this old fart of a lion and I intend to collect. Now is there anything ahead of me?"

Sigh. There's two more skeletons, a weasel and a deer around the next corner. Quick question though. How are you going to carry two thousand gold coins?

"Same way I'm currently carrying seven swords and three sets of armor. My pocket uses Time Lord technology."

Wait, are we seriously bringing in Doctor Who futuristic technology into a story about spells and swords?

"You got a better suggestion?"

...So using _magic_ from a...uh...time traveling _wizard_ , Nick shoved the four foot long sword into his magical pocket.

"To join my _other_ four foot sword in my pants, hey-o!"

 _*facepalms*_ You didn't just-...ugh. You know what? Zombies. Dozes of zombies all around you right now.

"Zombies. Why did it have to be zombies?"


	5. Captains log Tapioca Pudding date 1718

**A/N: Onomatopoeia. I think, therefore I am.**

 **"Uhh, that's not right."**

 **Sounds like it. Ba dum tss.**

 **Disclaimer: I need a mod for this game. The script is amazing.**

* * *

 _Captain's log, Tapioca Pudding date Jan 17th, 2018_

With Judy finally discovering her ancestry, it was time for her to approach the Greybeards, the wise monks on the top of the mountain to begin her training. Her part in the world had just become much larger and her destiny was now intertwined with the safety of Skyrim.

"FUS!" Or she could just randomly begin shouting and turn a tree to a bunch of splinters. Aaannnnnd apparently turn a crow into an already cooked meal. Not really sure how that happened but we'll just go with it. "I love this! FUS!" But nothing happened, causing Judy to become annoyed. "Hey! Nothing happened! What gives?!"

What the rabbit did not know was that there was a cool down in between shouts. "What? Why?" Well the scientific reason is probably that it could irreparably damage the throat, but since science doesn't mean gosh darn in this world we're just gonna go with 'Rules of Magic.' _Holds up 'Da Rules'_

"Oh. That makes sense." _Facepalm._ Of course it does. It's in the script. Judy began to happily skip down the cobblestone road, occasionally pausing to grab butterflies and ripping their wings off like a sava- "Hey! I need the potion ingredients." Hmmm, fair enough. So, gathering ingredients along her way, the bunny headed down the road for parts unknown. Since she was just going to blow off the Greybeards she really had no plan which means that none of this friggin matters. _throws script pages 7-15, 30, 62A & 62B._

'Hey, you okay?" Sure! Why not?! Just this whole damn thing is going off the rai-...Okay deep breaths. Deep breaths. Let's just start the next part. So Judy frolicked her way- "Yay! I love frolicking!" Course you do. I'm so glad. So Judy frolicked along, stopping to pick flowers for *ahem* potions until she came to a group of tents. Seated in front of them was a gathering of large felines. A jaguar, a cheetah, and a tigress, all conversing around a healthy fire. They looked friendly enough but it was always best to scout ahea- "Hi guys!" _Throws book at the wall._

"Hello little bunny," the tigress greeted the young mammal. "I am M'aiq the Liar."

"No you are not!" The jaguar sounded very upset. " _I_ am M'aiq the Liar!"

"Ah, but if that's the case, then you just told the truth, so that would make you _not_ M'aiq the Liar, wouldn't it?" The tigress rolled over laughing at the bewildered look on the jaguar's face.

"Lylah!" The cheetah smacked the striped mammal, slightly harder than would be considered playful, however it simply served to make her laugh all the harder. "Stop messing with M'aiq's head. It's fragile enough as it is."

"Sorry Tammy. He's just too easy."

"Uh huh." Tammy, the cheetah, turned towards the still smiling bunny. "Good afternoon, young one. Where did you come from?"

"Well," the bunny began, "I'm not really all that sure. I vaguely recall waking up in a cart being driven down a horrible rocky road, a road kind, not the ice cream, and some sort of long pause where I was hallucinating about my fur color getting all weird. At one point my ears were tied back like a horse's tail."

Tammy and Lylah both smiled and nodded their heads and moved towards each other and further back as soon as M'aiq distracted the young rabbit. Someone who carried a sword, a bow, what looked like seven more enchanted swords, a warhammer three times their size and what looked like a bunch of dragon bones, that was obviously a madbunny, was not someone to be disagreeing with or being near.

Thankfully Judy became distracted by a large thumping sound to the east. Waving cheerfully goodbye, the bunny dashed toward the sound. Her map showed the symbol for an elephant habitat which can be very dangerous so Judy slowed down and crept up quie- "Hi everyone!" _Slams head onto desk._ I swear to god I'm going to have a stroke...

* * *

Continuing on her journey, the Dovabun happens upon a small encampment. Normally in situations like this where no one can be seen at first glance and there are spiky blockades around the entrances, it's usually full of bad guys. Which makes recon a necessity. Otherwise things like arrows to the knee can become a real thing. And then of course, as the rules state, the adventuring is over.

For the Dovabun, recon is apparently optional as she is just heading up to the front gate on her own. "Hello! Anybody home?" And calling out to what could be a lonely hermit in an abandoned fort, or fifty bandits, or a hundred necromancers. The squeak of a wooden gate opening caused her to start in surprise and a sneeze to begin.

"Ahhh- ** _FUS_**!" Cupping her paws over her nose changed the way she made the sound and as such turned the 'choo' into a Shout of Power, one that-...holy moly... The entire...It's just...gone. How the h- _ahem_. So the Dovabun, in her um...apparent mistake, created shout so powerful it leveled the entire area. The fort had been reduced to rubble. Dead bodies lay everywhere, mostly stripped of clothing which would make this fanfic an "M" rating if described so we won't. Immediately Judy began to get upset.

"Oh no. What have I done?! I killed all those mammals!" Her tears flooded from her eyes in a sadness like none had seen since Rose screwed over Jack by not letting him on the door. Deciding that she may as well loot the cor- "I will do no such thing! These innocent mammals deserve a proper burial! Not for me to dig through their pockets...Except this one," the bunny said as she knelt and removed an emerald necklace from a nearby female wolf. "Ooh and it's enchanted! Plus forty to health."

Now that she was close enough, she was able to tell that all of the mammals in the fort had in fact been a group of bandits that would have attacked the moment she was in sight. That caused her to reevaluate her sadness-

"No it doesn't. I still did a bad thing."

...Weren't you going to kill them?

"Of course."

All of them?

"Well yeah. Duh."

Then why does it-, ugh never mind. Fine. Judy gets done taking whatever she wants before heading out. She realized she was tired- "I'm really tired" -yes thank you. So she decided to fast travel to Whiterun to sell her things and then get some sleep. A few loading moments later she stood within the confines of the city. Unfortunately for her, a guard spotted her arrival and hurried over.

"By order of the Jarl, stop right there! You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people. What say you in your defense?"

Judy, stunned by the sight of several more guards rushing her, let out a tiny meep, only for the game to register it as " ** _FUS_**!" due to a programming error. The shout knocked the guards off their feet and made others unsteady.

Two more of them came from behind and lifted her up. "You're going to rot in the Dragonsreach Dungeon."

"No! I was always a good rabbit! I wanted to be an Imperial soldier! Retire a Hold Guard! I'm Jose Canseco! I'm Jose Canseco!"

The pair of guards looked at each other. "My cousin's out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Jose Canseco duty."


	6. Chapter 6 - 6 definitely 6

**A/N: Once again we join the crazy shenanigans that is TES:Zootopia. Muwhahahahaha!**

 **Disclaimer: Something something something don't own anything. Something something peanut butter Welch's grape jelly time.**

* * *

 _Chapter...6? I think? - I ain't 'fraid of no goats (no goats were harmed in this chapter since there aren't any)_

"This bites." Judy the Dragonbun was currently locked up in the Whiterun dungeon for shouting at the guards. "See I don't get that. Why is yelling at some mammals worth a jail sentence?"

"You didn't yell," the jailor nearby stated. "You shouted."

"Shout. Yell. Raise your voice to get the attention of a meditating yak. It's all the same thing." The jailor was having a hard time not raising his brow at the way the bunny acted so calmly about assaulting a bunch of citizens of a whole town.

"A yell is just you getting angry and screaming like a petulant child. A shout from a Dragonborn or any who have learned the language of the Dragons, can kill with ease. So 'shouting' in front of everyone and knocking some to their knees looks pretty bad." Turning away from the cell, the guard pulled out his new tablet. "I love getting new chapters but can't they simply use a book like everybody else? Chiseling into stone makes these stories take so much longer."

Judy walked over to the stone wall and kicked it in frustration. She then spent the next several minutes hopping up and down, cursing in the most colorful language. French. It would be Russian because the amount of curse words in Russian is just downright disturbing but she never learned Russian so it's French.

It leveled part of a mountain, the very same mountain she was stan-...wait...we aren't at that part yet. Okay, ignore that, the script was out of order.

Pulling a lockpick from behind her ear, Judy kneeled in front of the small cage door and began to fiddle with the lock. "Why is this a Master lock? I only have the one lockpick! I am so screwed." Carefully, very carefully, insanely carefully she rotated the pick, feeling the mechanism shift beneath her paws. _Wow, I'm doing this. A master lock first try, with barely any training!_ Judy thought ecstatically. A sudden click, one far louder than she expected, caused the metal door to rumble and vibrate. With a wide smile, Judy pushed on the iron bars...only to find them rock steady. "Wha-what just happened?" she said looking confused.

Just then the jail guard turned the corner and approached the cell door. "Wow. I can't believe I forgot to lock your door. You could have just walked out no problem." Inserting the key into the lock, he was surprised to find it already locked. "Did you lock it for me? Wow. You are one honest criminal Ms. Dovabun. Thank you. Ummm..." he hesitated while glancing over his shoulder. "Don't tell my boss, okay? He's my dad and I _just_ got promoted from shoveling horse poo."

* * *

Meanwhile, In Cyrodiil, 200 years in the past, Nick the fox was currently laying down in a field, lazily spending his time gazing at the clouds.

"I'm not lazily resting on the ground. I had to pick up this 45 pound piece of armor which put me over my apparent god-like strength of 350 pounds. And I say god-like because I am an 80 pound FOX! I can't lift 350 pounds! So now I'm on the ground with a strained back and you are criticizing me." Crossing his arms the tod turned his head away in a huff.

A stiff breeze, almost like a frustrated sigh, blew over the fox and knocked loose a health potion from the ridiculously large and bulging bag strapped to his waist. Immediately the fox grabbed up the potion, pulled the stopper, and drank it.

Nick looked at the bottle in exasperation. "I'm tired. Can't I just stay here?"

The fox drank it. Drink!

"Okay okay. Fine." Tipping back the bottle, Nick drained it in one shot, although it was a small bottle designed for minimum healing, just enough to handle a strained back. Gaining his feet, the now recuperated mammal reached into his what must be a magical sack and extricated a heavy piece of armor before dropping it to the ground with a large thud. "I don't need the gold and I'm not wearing that thing, so it's staying on the ground. Capiche?"

Having exhausted all of the Italian he knew, the tod ambled along to find his next adventure, since I'm assuming he's not going to Kvatch to shut down the gate, is he? Yeah you just shake that head, you red-furred pain in the a- _ahem_ so he continued on his way until he reached an old ruined fort. Usually these old forts have been taken over by bandits or necromancers. This one has vampires in it, but using third person narrative in first person, Nick has no idea. Let's watch and see what happens.

Pulling open the heavy door, Nick ventured into the darkened entrance hall. In front of him lay a set of stone stairs going down deeper into the abyss. Before he started down, his strong canine nose picked out a distinct scent. _Rat_ , he thought to himself. Using his keen night vision, Nick pinpointed the creature and hunkered down low while pulling out his bow.

Nocking an arrow, Nick waited until the rodent came to a stop in his patrol. The torchlight glinted off his miniature steel armor which, at any other time, the fox would have found hilarious, but now he used it to target his aim. Settling the point of his arrow on the mammal, he let the projectile fly. With a speed unmatched in this world of medieval spells and steel, it pierced the rat's head. The target was so small that the entire head was actually ripped off which is just friggin nasty.

Nick seemed to be of the same opinion as he turned a bit green before swallowing what was most likely a very disgusting ball of ick. He didn't have time to worry about it however. The clang from the arrowhead against the wall after it had passed through the rat's...head and kept going had alerted other mammals just down the hall. Three more appeared quickly. A jackrabbit, whose front buck teeth were now gleaming fangs, a coyote whose fangs were now...fangs... and a cow, whose udder was tipped by four sharp fangs and this story is getting really weird. Is this the original script?

 _Ahem_ moving on. The jackrabbit moved towards their fallen comrade and cried out in terror/rage/confusion/boredom. "Holy cow!"

"I'm an _un_ holy cow, thank you very much," said the offended bovine.

"Not you. Look at Reggie! His freakin head is gone!" Reaching over and picking up the bloody arrow, he snarled, an impressive feat for the herbivore. "It just happened too. The mammal must be around here still!"

The other canine in the room turned on the spot, using his own enhanced night vision to see into the darkness. "There! I see hi-!" He was cut off as another arrow pierced his widened eye. Without even a dying croak, the coyote fell over. Vampires or not, the prey mammals spooked and ran for the hills, or in this case deeper into the fort since the hills outside were currently covered in sunlight.

Nick let out a grin, knowing he had them on the run. Pulling his sword, he charged into the dark.

"Are you frigging kidding me? I'm not running in there! There's probably fifty vampires in there!" He was exaggerating as there was actually only 32 left. "32! Fine! I ain't going after 32 vampires in the dark." Okay, okay. No more vampires. "Thank you."

...SUDDENLYTENVAMPIRESLEAPINTOTHEROOM!

Nick, surrounded and outnumbered, shook his sword at the ceiling. "Get me out of here!"

A blinding light appeared and enveloped the frantic canine. He felt a strong pulling sensation before landing on a cold stone floor. Looking up, he only had time to register a set of iron bars in front of him before coming face to face with a gray bunny wearing a horned helmet. The two of them froze, each looking deep into the other's eyes...

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


	7. Chapter 7 or something I think

**A/N: Gotta love a vacation and how it clears up the writing drive Back to the crazy world of The Elder Zcrolls! Hehehee. See what I did there? Ha! Ok fine, t(-_-) too then.**

 **Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I own none of these characters but I also am up to no good so let's mess with em!**

-(INSERT PAGE BREAK CAUSE WTF HAPPENED TO IT?)-

 _Chapter 7 or something I think..._

After expelling every ounce of breath in their lungs, the fox and bunny prisoners-

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

….Okay so _now_ that they had used up all their air they-

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

….Alright looks like they are done. So after running out of-

"AHHH-"

"AHHH-"

Oh for crying out loud. Both mammals find themselves choking on a dry wracking cough that leaves them unable to scream after screaming _nonstop through the entire chapter intro!_ So now that they were no longer yelling, the two mammals began looking at each other carefully, analyzing any potential threats that their adventurer instincts could warn them about.

Judy for her part noticed the claws sticking out of the tod's gauntlets and how formidably sharp they were. _Probably comes in handy in a fight,_ she figured.

Nick was also glancing her over, noting the ridiculously powerful looking legs under her leather trousers. _This crazy bunny could probably kick a troll's head off! Okay, self. Rule number one. Don't piss off the rabbit._ "Sooo…." _Alright play it smooth._ "Come here often, Carrots?" _Oh for fox sake! You stupid, stupid-head!_

He immediately knew that was the wrong thing to say, and not just because the way she narrowed her eyes and seemed to stare deep into his very soul, burning it to ash. No, it was because it sounded like a lame pick-up line and he knew he had better material than that. However, judging by the rapid foot thumps coming from the doe he decided to zip his lips shut.

"Excuse me?! What did you just call me?!" Nick, who was standing by his zipped lip policy to keep himself from digging the whole any deeper, merely shrugged and tried to look contrite. Judy huffed, far more irritated than she was five minutes earlier, and ultimately decided to ignore the mystery vulpine.

Though she had turned away from him, Nick could still feel her burning glare and it made him shudder in apprehension.

"I am not shuddering. Overdramatic much? Jeez."

Judy turned her head and met the tod's eyes with her own. The arch of her brow and look of concern told him she most likely saw him as a madmammal. The truth would pretty much confirm that so he decided to keep it to himself.

"Uh-uh! Not this time." Nick turned his head upwards and formed his own glare at the ceiling. Looking back down to the rabbit, he gestured wildly upward. "There's a voice that keeps telling me what I'm supposed to do and drives me nuts!"

"Oh." Nick was confused but extremely relieved when the bunny did not freak out, but instead seemed to relax a bit. "You too, huh?" His jaw dropped. "Yeah. He's been doing it for a while. Feels like two days but at the same time like my entire existence. Which I can't remember oddly enough."

A russet muzzle bobbed up and down, agreeing with her. "Yeah. Does he also change reality sometimes? I watched ten vampires blink into existence and a skeleton army of a thousand just appear out of thin air."

"Yeah! I shot an arrow at-"

"Did it stop and float in mid-air?!"

"What? No. That's against the laws of physics."

"Oh." Nick looked a bit disappointed, probably wanting to find someone with the same disconcerting experience. "What's physics?"

"Why it's-…" Judy tilted her head making her ears flop sideways. "I'm not sure. I know it's the right thing to say but I have no idea why."

 _Sigh._ Gotta break this chat up. Story has to continue. So the two mammals suddenly had the idea that two heads were better than one to get the door open to their freedom.

"Hey! I've got a lock pick! Want to get out of here?" Judy said while lifting the priceless tool in front of him. "What's your skill level?"

"What? Oh. I'm pretty good at Expert locks I guess. But I carry around like 200 lock picks just in case. I got them right he-" Nick stopped as the pouch he started to pat disappeared. "What the-"

 _*Due to an oversight at the beginning of the chapter, Nick's weapons and supplies suddenly vanished and were put in the mandatory chest in the other room guarded by an incompetent guard.*_

"Oh that's just some bull-"

"Don't worry. I'm really good. I even locked this cell! Don't ask," she quickly added, her expression of pride changing to one of embarrassment. Reaching her paw through the bars, she deftly slid the pick into the opening and began twisting it. "Almost there. Okay. That's the sweet spot. Annnnnnd-" _*click*_

"Holy poop you did it!" The tod tilted his head back to roll his eyes at the ceiling. Hey, it's a family fanfic, I can't just write swears all the time.

"Uhhhh…." Judy pulled her paw back, her ears droopy while she held up a pick suddenly half as long as before. The loud sound from the metal lock had been the lock pick snapping, not unlocking it. "That was my last one…"

"Oh you gotta be kidding me." Nick sat back on his haunches while rubbing his paws over his face. He was out of ideas on how to escape. "Wait! I bought that unlocking spell from the wizard I met on the road!"

He quickly dashed the idea since he knew it wouldn't wor-

"Really?" Judy cried out happily. "That might be enough to get us out!"

* _Ahem_ * So both mammals realized it could not POSSIBLY wor-

"Yeah! Let me try it!"

Alright. Fine. You want to waste your mana and be weaker for a few extra seconds it's on you. Don't let me, the guy in charge of your _LIVES_ , try to interfere.

Nick stepped up to the bars and rubbed his paws together. Grinning over at the bunny, he placed both pads on the lock and began muttering the complex spell.

"Higitus figitus migitus mum

Prestidigitonium!

Alica fez balaca zez

Malaca mez meripides

Hockety pockety wockety wack

Odds and ends and bric-a-brac

Dum doodly doodly doodly dum

Higitus figitus migitus mum

Prestidigitonium

Higitus figitus migitus mum

Prestidigitonium!"

Judy looked impressed though she could have sworn she had heard it before. Possibly during a play or a series of moving pictures about a sword and a wizard and a pink dragon. Whatever it was, it certainly should do the trick.

Nick smirked all-knowingly and stepped to the side, bowing and waving the bunny forward. She smiled at him and reached out to push on the bars. But it didn't move.

"WHAT?!" Nick cried out. Obviously. I mean look at the capitals and the punctuation. "That should have worked."

"Maybe it doesn't work on Skyrim steel? Where are you from anyways?"

"Uh, Cyrodil. I'm in Skyrim? Huh. No wonder it's so damn cold."

Judy looked stunned. "Cyrodil? Wow! I can't imagine what it must have been like there. All those Thalmor killing and burning the villages…"

Nick cocked his head to the side. "Thalmor? Who are they? And burning villages? Huh? What are you talking about? Everything is fine there. Sort of." Now the bunny was supremely confused. There was only one thing that could cause such a thing, because the story has to make sense to the reader so Judy automatically has to put the pieces together with a hammer.

"What _year_ are you from?"

"3E 433. Duh. I mean that's the year."

"Of course!" Her shout caught him off guard, making him jump backwards and hit the cell wall. "It's 4E 201 here! No wonder your spells don't work! You're from 200 years in the past! Those spells have probably never received an OS update to work with the new iron smithing format. Oh boiled cabbages," she muttered cutely. "With all of those updates we won't get out of here for like a week. Especially with the wi-fi. The signal here sucks."


	8. Chapter 8 - But what are titles anyway?

**A/N: Ready for more brain melting craziness?**

 **Disclaimer: I want waffles. And strawberry ice cream.**

* * *

 _Chapter 8 - But what are titles anyway?_

The two mammals sat on the cold stone in their shared cell, which originally was just Judy's cell but somehow Nick managed to travel 200 years into the future and end up next to her. Not even the guards knew he was there which would most likely be a problem when it came to being fed and having to split the half head of old lettuce they would bring by. Nick's inability to get them out with the magic he had, which was ridiculously outdated, and Judy's last lock pick having broken when she accidentally re-locked the door, put them at the mercy of waiting their sentence out.

"I can't believe I'm going to be stuck in this cell with you for the next 6 months," the rabbit grumped. It wasn't because he was a fox either, which Nick obviously felt it was because that's how these tales usually go, right? No, it was due to Judy having finally moved out out of her parent's burrow and getting to have a bedroom all to herself. "I mean you show up and BAM! There goes two-thirds of my space! Grrr."

"What you think I'm happy being here? I mean yes, I was surrounded by vampires and about to be ripped apart, but that would have lasted a few seconds. A minute at most! I'm looking at half a year in a cold jail because you-! What did you do again?" Nick, being from a different time and not even close to Skyrim had never heard of the Dragonborn, so her next sentence confused him greatly.

"I Shouted at a guard." Nick's head tilted in confusion because her sentence confused hi-…that sounds familiar. Anyways he had questions.

"I have questions." See? "They threw you in jail for yelling at a guard? Jeez. I thought MY guards were assholes."

"Not yelling, that would be ridiculous. I Shouted."

"Yell, shout, same thing." Judy shook her head quickly which made her slightly dizzy but that was most likely due to no food.

"No. Shout. With a capital 'S'." Now Nick was really confused. His head tilted to the point of almost being upside down. Judy sighed heavily under the impression she would most likely have to explain things. "A 'Shout' is when I speak the language of the dragons and cast powerful magic."

"…uh huh." Nick started subtly and frantically (and odd combination but somehow he made it work) looking for a way out. "This dumb bunny is looney," he thought to himself.

"Hey! I heard that!"

*Goes back to check notes.* Oh…ohhhhhh. Quotations instead of italics…oops.

"Oops?!" Nick started to panic seeing the bunny growing red and tight-lipped. "She's gonna kill me!"

You probably should distract her in some way.

"Ya think?!" Struck by a sudden idea, Nick pulls out his magical coin purse that all adventurers have that can cary hundreds of pounds of stuff. Reaching in deep (Mary Poppins style), he hauls out a hacksaw.

…wqit a minute. A hacksaw?! Those aren't even in the game! You can't have that. *starts to delete hacksaw from writing*

"Whoa whoa whoa! You want this entire story to be about a couple of mammals stuck in a jail cell arguing and starving? That seems like a pretty shitty story." …Okay, the smartass fox had a point.

Flashing the saw towards his companion, he watched as Judy's eyes lit up. "It's carbide too! Should make quick work of these bars," the tod boasted.

I don't even want to know where he got a carbide blade… So after a short few minutes enough bars had been cut away to let them slip out. "That was crazy," praised the impressed bunny. "I need to get a sword of that stuff."

"Home Depository might have some. This was on sale. You could say it was a…steal." In shock Judy looked down to see 'Stolen' written across the side, the magical act that happened when taking things without paying or permission. It was too allow the guards to confiscate the right things.

"You stole things?!" Judy was shocked. Shocked I say! I can't even begin to say how shocked and have now said it four times already! Shocked!

"You're one to talk. I can see the red paw print on your magic amulet from here." The bunny hastily covered the necklace with a free paw while they skulked around the dungeon looking for their stuff and a way out.

Suddenly there was movement up ahead. A large rhino guard entered view but due to being crouched and in the corner, he walked on by without noticing them. "Jeez. Could that guy be any bigger?" Looking at the rabbit with wide eyes filled with panic, Nick tried to hush her without making a sound. "Oh relax, Slick. I have extra sneakiness because I'm a bunny. And with muffled boots on I could play a trombone while smacking his fat butt. See, watch." Before he could stop her, Judy snuck towards the guard who had taken up a stationary position. Sending a mischievous grin towards him, Judy stretched a paw up and smacked the rhino's butt.

*Gasp!* went Nick. "She touched the butt!" And it was a pretty big butt, too. A slight sense of nervousness flashed through the vulpine when the guard suddenly pulled a sword roughly the full length of Nick's body.

"Who's there?!" Both mammals stayed quiet, crouched down. Nick remained motionless, however he watched with undisguised envy at how Judy was emptying the guards pockets of all of his gold and expensive possessions. Even with a target on full alert, his skill was good enough to pick him clean. When she stole his pants was when Nick's jaw dropped. "Hmm. No one there. Must have been the wind." What wind? We're indoors. Nick's confusion was being overworked that day. The two watched as the rhino sheathed his sword and walked away, his butt hanging out for all the world to see.

Shaking her head at Judy's confident sneak crouching swagger that looked more like a duck with a bum leg than a smug bunny, Nick moved down the hall where he had seen a guard enter with a key but forget to close the door. You know, the security in this world is crap. Forget to lock the cells, don't close padlocked doors…why not just leave the key to the evidence chests on a hook next to them why don't ya?

"Hey look! They left the key to our equipment chests right on this hook next to them!"

*facepalm* I really should go back and edit this stuff out. Eh. Fuck it.

So the two adventurers, having managed to sneak their way to their possessions and fully outfit themselves once more, Nick making sure to sweep the evidence chest and grab all of his purloined goods back, made their way out the front door with no one bothering to stop them or even check why they had crawled through the door to the dungeons.

"That was…surprisingly easy." Judy had to admit the fox was correct and nodded in agreement.

"By order of the Jarl, stop right there!" The shout caught them off guard and both mammals flinched before turning around in fright. Seeing a massive tiger stalking towards them with sword drawn and shield ready caused them to blanch. White could be seen beneath red and gray furs and there was a strong smell as if someone had soiled themselves, probably the fo-

"Hey! That's not necessary!"

Well don't break the rules with hacksaws next time and I won't make you poop your pants in front of your girlfriend.

"She's not my girlfriend!"

"I'm not his girlfriend! Eww!"

Nick stopped short and snapped his jaw shut. "Eww? Really? Ouch." She shrugged her shoulders.

"You're not my type," Judy said simply.

"What? A fox ain't your type? You got a problem with foxes?" Nick asked a bit angrily, which was understandable since being hated for being a certain species is just stupid and sucks (which would apply to skin color if they had no fur, wouldn't it? Yeah. There's a bit of a message jab in here, so what? You wanna fight about it?).

"Nope. I got no problem with foxes or wolves or tigers or bears or pretty much any predators. Heck, we could probably get a room right now in that inn and I would rock your world, but you're an asshole. And I don't date assholes."

"Oh yeah? Well if we went into that inn right now you wouldn't be able to walk for days!"

During this time the tiger guard who had reached them was turning his head left and right rapidly trying to keep track of the conversation. Even as angry as they herewith each other, he couldn't help but think they were ridiculously cute together, even nauseatingly so.

Turning his head to glance back over his shoulder, the guard yelled for assistance. "Hey, I'm gonna need some assistance."

"With what?" came the reply. Looking back in front of him, the tiger's jaw dropped to see no mammals in front of him.

Meanwhile just outside the city doors, Judy and Nick were still arguing about who would be able to have sex the best. Finally with the topic exhausted and Nick sporting quite a few bruises to his arm after several opposite of tasteful innuendos sent the bunny's way, they realized that they had reached a safe distance from the city to no longer be pursued.

"Well. That was certainly an interesting afternoon." Nick couldn't help but snicker at that.

"Yep. Second jail cell I've had to escape in the last week." Nick felt an urge to introduce himself since neither of them actually knew the other. Name's Nick Wilde. Hero of Kvatch." (Technically he's not the hero yet but it sounds impressive enough to keep the dialogue moving)

"I'm Judy. I am Dragonbun! Blood of the ancient creatures flows in my veins granting me the powers of their sorcery!" That seemed a bit of a haughty title to him.

"Very humble aren't y- wait. Dragon blood in your veins? Wouldn't that mea-"

"Okay okay! Yes. Somewhere waaaaaaaay back someone in my family fucked a dragon."

"…..Oh. I thought it meant like a transfusion or something."


	9. Chapter 9 - THE CHAPTER! IT'S EXACTLY 9!

**A/N:** Been a while since I've visited this one. This one is in homage to the ridiculous amount of sidetracking you see in Bethesda RPGs.

 **Disclaimer:** There's a ton of stuff in Disney movies we rarely notice. I mean, The Lion King has a shit ton of Simbalism in it.

* * *

 **Chapter 9 - THE CHAPTER! IT'S EXACTLY 9!**

 _FLIT!_

"Sweet mother of the Divines, that was close!" Nick flicked his tail in front of him and smoothed down the ruffled fur where the arrowhead had neatly passed through. He didn't slow down for a moment though as he was still within range of the bandits and their weapons.

"It's your own fault, bonehead!" The gray rabbit that had become his unofficial companion- "Hey! I am NOT!" *grumble* Fine. The gray rabbit that had taken him on as an official sidekick-

"Hey! I am NOT anyone's sidekick!" The red tod was irritated at being called a sidekick but quickly changed his mind since it was a thing of honor. "Oh. Well I guess in that case- hey wait a minute! No it's not!"

Judy snickered at the tod while they kept up their frantic pace away from the bandit stronghold.

"You just _had_ to find a bathroom, huh Slick?" she snarked.

"Oh don't put this all on me. You used the bathroom too!"

"Okay fine," she admitted haughtily, "but you were the one who knocked on the door asking for food when they hadn't found out we were there yet! Brilliant move."

"I was hungry." Nick let out a frightened yelp when another arrow plugged the ground right next to his foot. "Holy hell we're still in range. This is ridiculous. They can't possibly shoot this far. Bows aren't that powerful."

*quickly checks facts on ancient long bows* Oops. Uh, the arrows start to rain harmlessly behind them as they were past the farthest range they could reach.

"See? Told you!" ick whipped around and stuck his thumbs in his ears, blowing a raspberry back at the bandits who couldn't possibly see him at that point. "You'd be better off sticking to bow _ties_ with how well you shoot! YIPE!" Nick was suddenly shaking like a leaf at the arrow that flew and landed mere inches of skewering his nether parts that all males feared for.

"You asshole! You said they were out of range!"

You taunted them. I can easily have them reach another foot further.

The fox shut his yap and rightly so. Judy snickered and punched the fox hard in the arm.

"Serves you right. Although I could have begun traveling with _Nicole_. We could do each other's makeup and gossip about boys."

*marks down for possible future punishments for arrogant foxes."

Nick gulped.

* * *

Two mammals, one covered in red fur and the other a light gray, panted heavily as they scaled a steep mountain side. Both of their faces portrayed a sense of fear that neither had ever shown before. At least not for a little while as the look mirrored the one the fox had when facing a thousand-strong skeleton horde or was trapped in an old fort surrounded by dozens of vampires. Or when the rabbit was stuck fighting a spider the size of a 1963 VW Bus with only an iron sword and a helmet too large for her body. It was fear, but that fear made them feel alive. The adrenaline coursing through their vei-

"Would you shut up?!" Nick threw a rock in a vague direction he hoped was somewhat close to where the disembodied voice was coming from.

"Don't worry about him, Nick. Just climb!"

The two continued their mad scramble up the side of the mountain. Below them, unable to climb due to their massive size, stood a pair of mammals with clubs longer than a tiger was tall. They seemed to be a primitive version of hippopotamus and were clearly angry with the two adventurers. Next to them, three large hairy elephants stamped their feet and thrashed their heads around in irritation.

"Why couldn't you just leave the veggies alone?" Nick's exasperated cry was punctuated by his lack of breath, the climb taking more out of him than normal considering his escape from the bandits was mere hours ago.

"I was starving! And besides, I didn't think they would miss a few carrots and a head of lettuce. How was I supposed to know it was for freaking _GIANTS_?!"

* * *

A loud shout caused the red reynard to stumble and nearly fall over from the horned undead creature before him. he caught himself in time to raise his sword to block the Draugr's own.

"A little help over here?!" His desperate yell achieved nothing as his companion was currently engaged in her own life or death struggle.

"Kinda busy!" Judy called back, pushing her legs hard against the floor to once again dodge another vicious blow from a steel mace. The undead creature had survived several slashes from her small sword and she was running out of options. Taking the moment of reprieve she got from the creature's wild swing unbalancing it, Judy looked around frantically for options. Her eye caught something suspended overhead and she smiled wide.

"Lead him over here!"

Not willing to waste time arguing, Nick scrambled between the Draugr's legs and hastened over to where Judy was still narrowly avoiding being crushed. He gave the undead being a harsh shove and gained them both several feet on either side to breathe.

"On the count of three, roll forward and under them."

"Whatever you say, Carrots."

"One."

Nick tensed his leg muscles, ready to dodge the approaching creature of bones and taut, rotted flesh.

"Two."

Judy braced her paw against the wall to help her gain any extra ground that she could.

"Three!"

The two mammals tucked and rolled past their approaching combatants, leaving them standing between the adventurers and right next to each other. With a speed born out of necessity, Judy whipped out her bow, nocked an arrow, and let it take flight directly above the Draugrs heads. A clay pot, aflame to light the way through the burial catacombs, fell onto the pair of them and the lantern oil that coated the floor. Both creatures lit up like torches and they flailed about wildly before keeling over, their undead selves becoming un-undead.

Judy smirked triumphantly at the fox who was slapping himself in the head.

"Why? Why did I get saddled with a lunatic?"

"Just lucky I guess."

* * *

After a vague amount of useless exploring, our duo finds themsel-

"Wait wait wait. _Useless_ exploring?! Is that what this whole day has been about?!"

Actually it's been several days, you just only remember about eight hours that you weren't on autopilot.

"…"

So as our adventurers-

"Nuh-uh! I ain't taking another step until I see some sort of compensation for this! I did not just drag myself all over this freezing, horrid wasteland of a country or whatever the hell Skyrim is just to find out my whole day was for nothing."

"Shh, Nick! Don't anger the voice!"

"I'll kick the damn voice's ass-" spouted off Nick, at least that's what he wanted to express but suddenly found himself experiencing lockjaw that he got from a piece of rusty metal in the last Draugr burial mound.

"Mmmfff!"


End file.
